‘’We fall in love till
it hurts or bleeds.’’
Those were the last words my mother
said before she died, today’s the 14th of October and I can still
feel the chill on my spine whenever I reminisce the saddest moment of my
existence. I remember her long fingers, stretched into mine; almost too thin I
must say that I can feel her blood flowing. She was beautiful even though she
was as thin as a stick and youth have left her several decades ago. “Be strong!”
I thought to myself but it seems that all strength I can summon is already
drained from all those sleepless nights I spent with my mother. ‘’I know you
hate me.’’ She would always say, with guilt coming across her face but I simply
shake my head and turn away. She knew the reason why I stayed, why nobody else
did and why it was hard for me. It was leukemia who slowly took her soul from
living and though she was fighting hard, it always was not enough.
I grew without a father since my
parents divorced two years after their wedding. I would often ask my mother for
the reason of their separation but mother would simply say that father was just
“irresponsible”. I felt sorry for myself but I knew there was no need to. I never met him once and all of his pictures
were burned mysteriously, but I figured out eventually that it was mom who did
it.
.....
As I try to regain my composure once
again, I made up my mind and left the place. I knew my mother will be taken
care of once I leave since I have prepared for it. I walk across downtown to a
familiar place. It was the park that I always visit whenever I feel lonely. As people
pass by and the wind starts to blow heavily, I think of all the faults I have
done against my mother. I was not a rebel at all but I have failed to grow a healthy
relationship with my mom. I felt that her death was God’s punishment that
everything that happened is bad karma
and I deserved it all. I found fault at my father for the failure of our family
but in the end, I was the loser, with no pity at myself. I realized that it was love all along that
kept her going even if it hurts and bleeds.
I walked away to the nearby church
and knelt down in front of the altar, head down, and spirits up. I was almost
too sure that I felt mom was beside me that time and at the same moment, I felt
God’s blinding presence above me. Then I muttered to myself, “This is my state
of grace.”