State of Grace (Narrative)

‘’We fall in love till it hurts or bleeds.’’

Those were the last words my mother said before she died, today’s the 14^th of October and I can still feel the chill on my spine whenever I reminisce the saddest moment of my existence. I remember her long fingers, stretched into mine; almost too thin I must say that I can feel her blood flowing. She was beautiful even though she was as thin as a stick and youth have left her several decades ago. “Be strong!” I thought to myself but it seems that all strength I can summon is already drained from all those sleepless nights I spent with my mother. ‘’I know you hate me.’’ She would always say, with guilt coming across her face but I simply shake my head and turn away. She knew the reason why I stayed, why nobody else did and why it was hard for me. It was leukemia who slowly took her soul from living and though she was fighting hard, it always was not enough.

I grew without a father since my parents divorced two years after their wedding. I would often ask my mother for the reason of their separation but mother would simply say that father was just “irresponsible”. I felt sorry for myself but I knew there was no need to.  I never met him once and all of his pictures were burned mysteriously, but I figured out eventually that it was mom who did it.

..... 

As I try to regain my composure once again, I made up my mind and left the place. I knew my mother will be taken care of once I leave since I have prepared for it. I walk across downtown to a familiar place. It was the park that I always visit whenever I feel lonely. As people pass by and the wind starts to blow heavily, I think of all the faults I have done against my mother. I was not a rebel at all but I have failed to grow a healthy relationship with my mom. I felt that her death was God’s punishment that everything that happened is bad karma and I deserved it all. I found fault at my father for the failure of our family but in the end, I was the loser, with no pity at myself.  I realized that it was love all along that kept her going even if it hurts and bleeds.

I walked away to the nearby church and knelt down in front of the altar, head down, and spirits up. I was almost too sure that I felt mom was beside me that time and at the same moment, I felt God’s blinding presence above me. Then I muttered to myself, “This is my state of grace.”